How to Deal With Controlling Parents After You Become an Adult
Parents often don’t realize that their role in your life changes after you become an adult. The fact that so many adults, whether they live at home or not, are subjected to their parents trying to control their lives or make choices for them in some way, shape or form. The issue comes down to when parents have to realize that their child or children are grown adults and that it’s time to respect them as adults. The problem comes with parents having a hard time letting their child or children go when they leave the nest especially those who are getting married or leaving for college (abroad) and making a life for themselves. There’s a reason why so many parents are behaving in this manner and here’s some reasons why some things that parents do is unacceptable after a certain age and how it can actually strain the relationship between the child and themselves.
It also becomes unsettling when parents become way too over-involved with their child and not really beginning to get their head around the fact that their child is an adult. It’s not easy for parents to let their child or children make their own choices when they reach adulthood, but when it comes down knowing when to let go and allow your children to grow up and be independent. Here are some things that are unacceptable for parents to do for their children:
1) Inquiring about personal details(i.g. Marriage)-This is where parents are not aware that they are crossing the line in terms of their child’s significant other. It’s none of your parent(s) business. That’s a sign your parent(s) have too much time on their hands to be involved in your personal life in that manner.
2) Making phone calls, sending emails, and talking to people for you-There’s a limit as to how far your parents get involved in your life, but when it starts getting to the point where they take on the task of doing things for you that you can do yourself that’s where it can make people think you’re not responsible for yourself.
3) You make decisions for your child without any input from them-The fact that helicopter parents are guilty of doing this to their children there’s also the deal with allowing a grown child to make their own choices and decisions. A grown adult does not need their parent making choices for them when they’re perfectly capable of making their own decisions.
4) Constantly contacting your child-Is there a reason why you need to call and text your child repeatedly? A parent who respects their adult child or children will not constantly call or text them. This also becomes a problem especially when children are adults to have their parent(s) constantly calling them especially if they go out a lot. Part of growing up is developing your own social circle of friends and some parents can’t deal with their child or children spending time with other people. Which means mom and dad need to stop blowing up their child or children’s cell phones and PDA devices with unnecessary phone calls and text messages.
5) Controlling behavior-This is the main problem with helicopter parents many of them are so afraid of letting go that they’ll get into the pattern of trying to control certain aspects of their child or children’s lives. The fact that some parents have a difficult time accepting the fact that their child or children are grown and that they don’t need them anymore.
6) Fighting the child’s battles-Parents stifle their children from growing up by fighting their battles for them and not allowing them to learn how to interact with people and to solve their own problems. Parents who do that are so afraid of the world hurting their child when in fact they’re hurting them more by getting too involved in their child’s situations.
7) Putting things off on a child-Some parents are so hell bent on keeping their child close so they find ingenious ways to occupy their time such as putting off things on them that is technically their responsibility to handle. This kind of behavior will cause a high amount of tension to form because the child is going to feel like they’re being taken advantage of and not allowed to have a life of their own. Your adult children are not obligated to sit at home and watch someone or somebody when it’s not their responsibility to handle your situations.
8.) Nagging and asking too much for a child’s time-Your adult child or children have lives of their own and even if they live at home does not excuse you from nagging them about stuff especially if they’re up and doing for themselves. Adults have a right to have a life of their own without parental interference.
9) Always needing to be around-This is what drives many adults crazy is the fact that they have an overbearing and overprotective parent who doesn’t know when their presence is not wanted. Parents who are like this have a hard time taking the hint when they are not needed around.
10) Too much involvement in your child’s activities and social life- Adult children do not need a parent interfering with them socializing meaning the parent tells them who they can and can’t socialize with. Adults are capable of socializing on their own without their parent(s) interfering with their life.
This is a growing problem that has many adults having to limit their parents involvement in their lives to some extent. Another important key in helicopter parents is the constant gabbing about things that adult children find personal in nature. It’s hard to ask your parent(s) not to discuss personal issues with their friends because it is none of their business. Helicopter parents have a lot to learn when it comes to easing up off a child or children and reprogramming themselves to understand that their child or children are grown adults and capable of making their own choices and mistakes.
Here are some things that parents need to take light of in order for them to gain a new prospective in having a better relationship with their children. These are things that are going to take time in learning, but will get easier over time:
1) Respecting your adult child or children’s privacy- This means don’t ask personal questions. If you find yourself tempted to ask your child or children the burning question of did you do the deed? Remind yourself that your child or children are adults and they have a right to their privacy and if they want you to know something it’s up to them whether you know or not.
2) Do not make phone calls, send emails, or talk to people-Your adult child is old enough to speak for themselves and they don’t need you doing things for them as if they’re a kid. Adults are able to conduct their own business without a parent’s input.
3) Do not make decisions for your adult child-Your adult child is able to make their own choices and to decide what is best for them and even if you don’t agree with their decision the best thing to do is to respect their wishes. You save a lot of unwarranted stress if you realize that some choices your child or children make are not for you to give input on.
4) Do not blow up your child’s phone and email-Your child or children have a life outside of you and in order for them to maintain their everyday life is for you to respect their daily routine and social life. Keep in mind that it’s not that your kids don’t love you, but they do have lives outside of their parents.
5) Controlling behavior is a sign of more serious issues-Parents that need to control their kids lives and certain aspects in it have deep seated issues if they have to resort to this kind of senseless behavior.
6) Do not fight your child or children’s battles-Your child or children should not have you fighting their battles for them after they get grown it’s their place to fight their own battles YOU should not be doing it for them. Part of a child growing up is to fight their own battles and not having mom and dad interfering.
7) Do not put things off on your child or children-Your children are not to assume and carry out your responsibilities because it’s not fair to them that they have to put their lives on hold because you find reasons to keep them hunkered down in your grasp.
8.) Do not nag or monopolize your child’s time-Just because your kids are grown does not mean you’re exempt from monopolizing their time as if it was your time to use.
9) Do not make yourself available all the time-This makes you look like you have no life of your own if you’re constantly available.
10) Do not involve yourself fully in your child’s marriage life-Do not involve yourself in their personal business. Parents who do this have no life of their own.
This is the very reason many adult children put distance between themselves and their parent(s) because some parents don’t know when to not cross boundaries. Just because you gave birth to a child does not mean you’re exempt from invading privacy by asking things that is clearly none of your business. Also putting off things on your child as a way to hold on to them when once your child or children reach adulthood they’re capable of managing their own lives and don’t need their parents help in doing it. Parents keep in mind that if your adult child is paying their own bills and/or rent you have no say in how they live their life. Parents need to know when to stay out of their children’s private lives and to live their own life and to let their child go. It’s hard when people have to live with parents who behave like this and it can put a strain on the relationship between parent and child.